Mother's Day

Mother's Day is an easy post since I have no pictures or videos to add. It's taken me this long since I've been sick since late last week. I had bearable sinus issues Friday and Saturday, but Sunday I was a hot mess, literally. We went to Dad and Alice's again since Jer was visiting and we wanted to see him and wanted him to be able to meet Clara. When we got in Saturday night at 10pm our air was busted and the house was at a balmy 85 degrees. Yuck. My sinus issue started to really kick it up a notch on the drive home as well. We were just talking with dad about not having ceiling fans in any of the other bedrooms and how we needed to get them wired. So sleeping apart for one of us to get sleep wasn't an option. So I set up the pack-n-play and we turned our fan on high and tried to sleep. Mind you this is after Andre messed with the thermostat and even went into the attic to see if he could jingle anything back in place to get things moving...nada. Tiffany's step-dad Don is an AC guy so we called him in the morning and he said he'd come out Monday morning first thing.

By 1am the house cooled to about 79 which helped, we normally have it around 75 to sleep so with the air circulating from the fan, we were okay. Clara has been sleeping terrible and I had to sneeze and blow my nose all night which kept waking her up so I went to the living room where there was a fan but that didn't help me sleep since I could still hear every peep from her in our bedroom close by. Needless to say, I felt even worse Sunday since we didn't get much rest. Our house was hot as heck all day Sunday. Andre was going to take me out to breakfast, we decided the night before it would be packed everywhere so we decided he'd cook me breakfast "ta" home. I ran out to the grocery store Sunday morning, he was going to do that part too, but I had a list of things I needed to get and it would take me as long to explain to him what to get as it would for me just to go. It was a gift for him to stay with Clara so I could shop quick and easy, I didn't mind going one bit, I grabbed us each a big Starbucks too, yum. There were 90% men in the store, doing their last minute Mother's Day shopping. I'm so proud I have a husband who plans ahead and is so thoughtful and doesn't do things last minute, it makes me feel special. Then when I got home I mentioned to him that cooking French toast, bacon and hash browns was only going to make the house hotter, and since we're up at the butt crack of dawn we'd probably beat the crowd out for breakfast, but he had the pans sprayed and things started so he cooked in our already hot house. It was delicious, I got myself real maple syrup, yummy! That's a treat and breakfast was so good! Thank you Andre.

After Andre did the dishes I opened my Mother's Day present. A CAMERA! I BIG ONE! A REAL PHOTOGRAPHER CAMERA!! So, I now need lessons. I've already watched a few youtube videos on what all the buttons mean. He even got me two lenses. I'm not sure what they each do yet, but this summer I'll be figuring it out. One is just like Tiffany's so I know I can get a lesson or two from her on the basics. I took a few shots of Clara that day and wanted so bad to blog, and read up on my new toy but I felt like such poop I couldn't focus to do much of anything like that. :( I would have felt like I had accomplished a lot if I had, oh well. We sat by the pool and swam all day. We gave Steven and Tiffany our old table and chairs by the pool, we never really sit in them because by the time we cleaned them off, and let them dry it was too much of a production. I don't think Steven or Tiffany care about that as much as Andre does. We figured we'd get lots of use out of a couch more so we ordered cozy furniture that you can cover and keep clean. That way we'll want to sit in it and all we have to do is slip off the cover to know we're not going to be covered in pollen and funk. Mind you, we ordered this all before we needed a new AC!!!! Get to that later. So Andre and I carried all the furniture we had left that was in the garage from our recent pool updates. We sat in our Adirondack chairs and brought Clara out her cushions to play with lots of toys. She sat and played, we swam and she loved her swing. It was a nice day outside. Music playing, just relaxing, while I went through box after box of tissues. Sunday was the worst of it, thankfully?!

Nancy, our neighbor who cooks for us nonstop and takes care of our every need offered her AC unit. She also brought over meals of course. Everything she makes is divine. She cooks for an army and has a petite daughter and a husband who doesn't eat leftovers, SO WE GET THEM!!! It's amazing. Needless to say, I rarely cook and she made sure since I wasn't feeling well, and since we have no air, I really didn't have to do anything. She is so nice, when she notices my car is home she'll text making sure we're all okay and see if we need anything. We're very grateful for all she does for us!

We all took cold showers and watched a little TV then hit the hay since we hadn't gotten much sleep the night before. Andre slept on the couch and I with Clara. It was a wonderful Mother's Day. I wish I would have felt better but it was nice to have it land on a day we were planning on relaxing anyway, that way it didn't ruin any plans.

This year marked 18 years since I've had a Mother's Day with my mom. I thought it would be easier with Clara, it's not. It makes me miss her more, I not only want her here for me, I want Clara to know her, and what an amazing woman, mother, and grandmother she was and would be. It drives me crazy Clara will never know her, or Maria, Andre's mom. I "found" Andre online (match.com) one week after his mom passed. I was SO close to meeting her. To avoid frustration, I tell myself after she died she met my mom in heaven and they are the ones who brought us together. I tell myself, without them gone, I'd have never found him, which makes me feel a slight bit better about them both being gone. Andre had told me in the past that his mom didn't really approve of some of the girls he dated, thinking they were after him for the wrong reasons. So in telling myself she picked me, it makes me feel like she would have accepted me and trusted his heart in my hands. Or so I tell myself. That's one "good" part about not having loved ones here, you can make up stories that must be true. ;) There are a lot of big pieces of our family missing, and it makes it hard. I guess that's why I struggle with "my faith". I don't understand how the big man upstairs would do such a thing, it's so unfair, I have a hard time forgiving him for that, it's days like Mother's Day that I feel bitter which is a rare thing for me. I force myself to take a step back and focus on what I have instead of what I wish I had. I remind myself that I am my mother, so Clara does get pieces of her from me. I know Andre has qualities from both his parents that will shine through for Clara. I know they are all watching down on us, but it's just not the same. I feel so bad for Clara and those gone that never get to live life together. I have started to realize what my mom must have gone through with leaving us girls, I now get why she didn't leave a note, a video, nothing. I still wish she did, but I can't imagine saying goodbye to my little girl at any point in my life. It makes me realize how brave she was, not showing us how scared she must have been. She continues to get higher and higher on the pedestal she's always been on. I love you mom & Maria. (Larry too.) We'll make sure between pictures and stories Clara feels like she knows her grandparents. Thank you to each of our parents for raising us as you did, even though our time was cut way too short, I think you did a great job. To Tiger, you're all we've got left, we're so thankful for you.