This feeling

I have such an array of emotions filling me at Everett's (almost) one year mark. This picture has been my wallpaper on my phone for a year for a reason. I remember exactly how I felt in this moment. I remember thinking life couldn't be more perfect. I didn't think life could ever get better. Holding my perfect baby boy in my arms for the first time, being able to share him with his big sissy, I was thanking the Lord, one person I'm never quite sure of, but in this moment I was thinking He must exist if He gave me all of this. 

I made this my wallpaper for a reason. That feeling was soon ripped from under me. It was only about an hour later that my life would flip upside down and I'd be on a path I never thought imaginable. Watching my brand new baby boy almost die and most definitely suffer for a straight month and then some was an outer body experience. The helplessness I felt day in and day out is a mother's worst nightmare. It's a part of my life I'm quite numb to, even now. If I let myself go there, I crumble, in a split second. Yet, in the moment, I was steadfast and pushed on knowing I had no choice in the matter. I made this picture my wallpaper because in my MILLION weak moments I'd click on my phone so this picture would pop up on my screen and it would take me back to this bliss and erase all the fear and pain I was enduring, even if it was just for a few moments. I needed this picture more than I needed anything, I needed this feeling, the feeling of perfection, the carefree life that I once took for granted. I wanted that back, I would give anything to go back and have it be different. I wanted someone to pinch me, at some points I was sure it was a bad dream I would wake up from in a dead sweat.

Over the course of a year this picture has helped me through a range of trials and emotions, and what was once an escape, is now a comfort. I won't ever forget the ease I had in life during that moment. I won't ever forget the whirlwind months that followed. Life is far from comforting, I live with a lot of worry of the unknown that I never knew was possible. I really never thought I could fear so much. I used to have what I thought was true "fear" after I had Clara. I've never been much of a worrier until I had kids. I stress over everything these days, I want to give my babies everything, I want to make it perfect at this one chance I have at motherhood. I want to make sure I don't miss out on anything that could better the lives of these two precious beings. 

This picture now gives me peace. After losing my mom I thought I would never take life for granted, but I did, and still do. I strive to cherish each day and live it to the fullest, I try not to sweat the small stuff.  I didn't think I needed any more reminders as to what is truly important in life but I clearly did, and do, daily. It's so crystal clear to me these days, although I do still slip. This picture now gives me a feeling of when life really began for me, when the true meaning motherhood was so very evident. I'm the luckiest mamma to have this boy to call my own. His smile lights up my day one hundred times or more. His snuggly warm body and sweet, patient personality teaches me things I never even imaged I'd come to realize. He keeps life in perspective for me, what more could I ask for? I get to see his hard work and dedication to learning all day long. The things we all take for granted, the little things he works so hard at, he makes me so proud and keeps me grounded. Yes, I do have new stress in my life, but it's real, things that one should really worry about. The nonsense I once thought was worthy of worry is almost comedic. I'm so thankful for that. 

Don't get me wrong, there are days that I go back to the "why me", when I wonder why I was chosen for this path, when I worry I won't do it right. I don't last there long, all I have to do is look at him. He trusts me, I don't know why, but I can tell he does. I'm the lucky one. I feel my crows feet on my face when I smile, I've never felt that. I smile so hard because of him I think to myself, "Don't smile so hard, you're making wrinkles." I've never had that problem until Everett, my little Bubba. Sometimes I worry about what he might not get or what he might not be capable of, or my biggest fear, someone hurting him. I can quickly remind myself of what he will be capable of, with the fight and determination this little man has shown in his first year of life, I'm positive he'll do great things and have the strength he needs to endure what's to come. He has taught me more in one year that most learn in a lifetime, about what really matters in life. He has brought us so much joy in this short time, I can't even begin to imagine what our future holds with him. I remember crumbling when I learned he probably wasn't going to make it on day three, I remember crumbling harder at the diagnosis of Down syndrome, and although I have many fears for what's to come, I'm hopeful, so very, very, hopeful. 95% of our time is pure joy. I feel like I'm able to really live in the "now". 

May 28, 2015 will always hold a plethora of emotions for me, I'm thankful for all of them. I'm so very thankful for YOU Everett Lang Feger. You are pure joy!