D Day

When I knew I was going to have three months off of work after having a baby I thought that would be ample, I knew it was more than most people got. Well, it's not. I don't know that any amount of time would suffice however, three months is not nearly enough. Maybe if you're working a couple days a week, or if you don't have to bring work home, but probably still not. When I went to college I didn't know what I wanted to be. I knew I wanted a family someday, I knew I'd want to spend time with my family and raise my kids so I figured teaching was the best profession. I'm very thankful I made that decision and ended up loving my job, however I'm still not sure how to pull it off.

I've been dreading going back to work before I even had Clara, and it really set in when I got to the one month count down. I never stopped thinking about it, now that it's here I would pretty much do anything to be a stay at home mom or somehow work from home. I've talked seriously to Andre about selling our house and moving into a small apartment which would make it possible. I am dedicated to my class this year, obviously not as much as Clara but this is my second year with them and I know I at least have to try to make it through these next four months. Keeping in mind it's four months before I have two more with her.

I worry so much these days. I was never a worrier, it runs in my family ;) but I thought I was the lucky one. Since I've had Clara I now fit into my family better than ever! I love that Clara has undivided attention at this time in her life, especially that I have been the one to give it to her. I worry about her adjusting to being cared for by mommies that have other kids to attend to and that don't know her like I do. I hear her crying in the back of my head, I pictures the toddlers pulling her hair or her not being able to nap well and getting cranky, the worries go beyond that, I know I'm loony. I am so lucky that I have family and friends that are helping me out while I go back, they are such amazing mommies, I should be worry free but somehow these thoughts creep into my mind. She is in great hands, I need to repeat that over and over, I couldn't ask for anyone better. Well, it would be amazing if my mom were alive to do this job, I know she would be eating this up right now.

As a teacher I know I'm going to have to prioritise better than ever before. I usually have hours of work to do each night and planning/grading on weekends. It can't happen. Clara comes first, along with Andre of course, I hope to be able to keep up with my blog since these will be my memories. My house is already a "mess", I thought being home with her I'd have it all together at home no problem. When she is awake I play with her, when she is asleep I stare at her and sometimes cuddle her. I had planned on the house being dusted and showers being scoured, I'm glad it didn't take any time at all for me to put her before cleaning house. I just hope I am able to keep up with the simple chores like laundry, dishes, grocery shopping etc when I get back to work, some days that's been hard without teaching because I pay so much attention to her. If I can do the basics I'll be happy. School will have to be at school, there is no time in the day for that so I think going in early is going to be my only option since I'll be RACING out daily to go get her in my arms. I give so much credit to the mommies that do it all, I don't know how you do it, I'm going to do my best.

I'm sorry Clara, I hope I'm not making the wrong decision. I'm going to miss you each day, all day. I'll be crying when I leave you in the morning and when I finally get you back in my arms. You'll be on my mind every second of every day. I wish I had until the next school year and you could be a little older at least. I want to be the best mommy to you and I hope this is the right choice.

I'm thankful I have a job that makes me feel like I'm making a difference while I'm away from my cutie pie. I just wish the job didn't require so much extra time outside of the school day and I wish it was a little less stressful. It's not just teaching anymore, it's become ridiculous, but that is an entire different saga. I'm so thankful that I have had three months with you, they've been the best three months of my life. I'm thankful for Tiffany, Elisabeth and the many mommies that offered to help, find help, and/or are helping me raise my baby while I'm away. I'm thankful I have a husband who hugs me when I feel the way I do and reminds me it will be okay. I'm thankful for all my friends and family who have been reaching out to me in support during this time knowing I'm struggling. I'm thankful to be in this position, to have a precious healthy baby that brings me and now many new people such joy each day. I'll take it one day at a time, never taking a moment for granted.

I love you Clara!!!! I look forward to the rest of my life with you. I hope I always remember what this feels like and never take a moment with you for granted.

My first day at home with you...oh what I'd give to do it all over and put it on repeat so I never have to leave your side.