Insomnia

Everyone in my house sleeps, but me. I have issues. Either I can fall asleep and someone wakes me within ten minutes, or everyone is fast asleep for hours and my brain has problems and won't rest. I can't stand it, I feel like I'm going insane. I blame part of it on my dad never letting me sleep as a kid. We always had to be up doing something, never sleeping in. I'd hear the car garage door open knowing he was home and I'd plunge out of bed, my heart racing, running downstairs to pretend I was being productive so I wouldn't get in trouble...it may have been 9am. I hope I can let my kids sleep, I tend to find I'm more and more like my dad everyday. Most things for the better Tiger ;) but not this one.

I have trained my kids to be bad sleepers I think...they both struggle falling asleep, they both fight it. I don't know if it's something I did, or just because they're my kids and have my horrible sleep habits. I need white noise to sleep, always have. Clara now needs white noise to sleep, she is a very light sleeper just like me. She tosses and turns A TON before she's able to fall asleep. You can't transfer her from a car seat to her crib like most kids. I'm sure Everett will need white noise too since he's in our room with it now. I wake to a pin drop, I need to drown out cars, Everett's gremlin like groans all night, Andre's snores, birds in the morning, there's always something waking me up...ALWAYS!

I can't shut my brain off. I always am thinking, "Is he eating enough, is Clara getting enough attention and learning enough, how am I going to juggle going back to work, when will I do the dishes, why can't I sleep, should I try and wake Everett to feed him or let him sleep, if I fall asleep now I'll have 1 hour, 30 min, okay, ten minutes, just get ten minutes, I'm not doing enough, I need to be more productive, do I have to pump again, I hate pumping, am I enough for my kids?, will I get through this, be in the moment Barbie, you'll want this back someday, has Everett's milk been sitting out too long, take your prenatals, you should be working out...if you can't sleep at least get up and work out, or shower, I only have 5 minutes left to sleep, will Everett need a g-tube?, I need to get out of the house...where can I go to get out of the house with both these kids, Everett needs to eat, gosh, Clara hasn't eaten lunch yet and how long has that poop been in her diaper?, Everett can only sleep in a swing I need to break him of that, when will I have the time to clean my windows so I can see the beautiful yard, how do I take Clara out to play when Everett is too hot and she needs help climbing, did I call my dad back?, I need to text so and so, I can't forget to ask the doctor about Everett's stuffiness, should he see an ENT?, is he awake enough?, does he sleep too much?, is Everett doing enough tummy time?, I hate my mind, I want to shut it down!!!!!!" It's madness, insanity. The list just goes and goes and the more I think the more I think. I start to dose and then wake, then my heart races and my brain begins the endless rant of thoughts that I cannot stop. I force myself to breathe in and out slow, I think about relaxing, I feel how tense my body is and try and force it to relax. I try and mimic Andre's breathing, or get into the flow of Everett's swing rocking back and forth. The less I sleep the less I sleep and I feel like an insomniac. I go through phases and right now I'm in a no sleep phase which means I lose my mind and it wanders non-stop, I'm a stress case and need to be in a nuthouse.

To important things...Everett is seemingly doing well. We'll find out at our doctor's visit tomorrow. I want to go to see if he is gaining weight. The NICU has made me mental about numbers and I don't know if he is eating enough. He goes long periods of time without wanting to eat, usually after his 3am or 6am feeding until late afternoon. :/ I get so stressed when he doesn't want to eat for that long. I at least wish that period of time was from 10 at night until 8 am so I could stay asleep (not that I would...I'd clearly be up worrying about as stated above). Some days he'll eat on the dot every three hours and other days not as much. I wish I could be more laid back, sleep would help that. I need to take a pill and let Andre take a night. I'm worried he won't stay awake enough to have him eat. I can see them both falling asleep in the chair and Everett not eating. His 3am-ish meal is the biggest usually but he needs to be prodded to stay awake for it, Andre will fall asleep. I've promised myself if he gains weight and the doctor tomorrow says all seems well I need to chill out. I want Everett to be a more efficient eater. I think back to the fact that it's been maybe two weeks since he started eating on his own successfully without being tube fed and I know it's not a fair expectation. I'm just ready for something in life to be easier. I'm just ready for the life I had pictured to begin. I imagined my life with two and it wasn't like this, I set unrealistic expectations, I set us up for failure and then I beat myself up for not just being content with the amazing life I have.

I worry about Clara. Everett's meals take so long she can only occupy herself for a good 40 minutes before she loses patience with me not playing with her so I resort to the TV. I hate it but I don't know what else to do. I hate how much TV she is watching and I hate how bored I am with her toys, she must be too. I feel like I need to be enriching her life with more. I want to be on the go, doing new things and having new experiences. I don't know how to do that yet with two littles. I want her to be outside playing but by the time I get Everett to sleep and her lubed up with sunblock he is awake again, or I need to pump, or it's nap time. I need order, I like schedules. So often I feel like I'm failing, I wish I could get it together better and have things in synch. I tell myself it's been a week and a half and to go with the flow, I try so hard. I know if I was talking to a friend what I'd tell them, why can't I take my own advice?

Clearly I just need sleep. I know that's my problem. With every one of Andre's snores I get more and more jealous and frustrated. #sorryforthenegativity

Two hours have now gone by, that I feel like I have wasted but I needed to get this out, off of my brain. I have rash medicine that makes me drowsy, I'm nervous to take it but I'm going to tonight. Andre got a good nap today so I'll have to use him and just let it go...before I go crazy.

Clara, if you are like me someday, get help. I hope you're not. I hope I raise you to live relaxed and feel productive resting...