D Day

When I knew I was going to have three months off of work after having a baby I thought that would be ample, I knew it was more than most people got. Well, it's not. I don't know that any amount of time would suffice however, three months is not nearly enough. Maybe if you're working a couple days a week, or if you don't have to bring work home, but probably still not. When I went to college I didn't know what I wanted to be. I knew I wanted a family someday, I knew I'd want to spend time with my family and raise my kids so I figured teaching was the best profession. I'm very thankful I made that decision and ended up loving my job, however I'm still not sure how to pull it off.

I've been dreading going back to work before I even had Clara, and it really set in when I got to the one month count down. I never stopped thinking about it, now that it's here I would pretty much do anything to be a stay at home mom or somehow work from home. I've talked seriously to Andre about selling our house and moving into a small apartment which would make it possible. I am dedicated to my class this year, obviously not as much as Clara but this is my second year with them and I know I at least have to try to make it through these next four months. Keeping in mind it's four months before I have two more with her.

I worry so much these days. I was never a worrier, it runs in my family ;) but I thought I was the lucky one. Since I've had Clara I now fit into my family better than ever! I love that Clara has undivided attention at this time in her life, especially that I have been the one to give it to her. I worry about her adjusting to being cared for by mommies that have other kids to attend to and that don't know her like I do. I hear her crying in the back of my head, I pictures the toddlers pulling her hair or her not being able to nap well and getting cranky, the worries go beyond that, I know I'm loony. I am so lucky that I have family and friends that are helping me out while I go back, they are such amazing mommies, I should be worry free but somehow these thoughts creep into my mind. She is in great hands, I need to repeat that over and over, I couldn't ask for anyone better. Well, it would be amazing if my mom were alive to do this job, I know she would be eating this up right now.

As a teacher I know I'm going to have to prioritise better than ever before. I usually have hours of work to do each night and planning/grading on weekends. It can't happen. Clara comes first, along with Andre of course, I hope to be able to keep up with my blog since these will be my memories. My house is already a "mess", I thought being home with her I'd have it all together at home no problem. When she is awake I play with her, when she is asleep I stare at her and sometimes cuddle her. I had planned on the house being dusted and showers being scoured, I'm glad it didn't take any time at all for me to put her before cleaning house. I just hope I am able to keep up with the simple chores like laundry, dishes, grocery shopping etc when I get back to work, some days that's been hard without teaching because I pay so much attention to her. If I can do the basics I'll be happy. School will have to be at school, there is no time in the day for that so I think going in early is going to be my only option since I'll be RACING out daily to go get her in my arms. I give so much credit to the mommies that do it all, I don't know how you do it, I'm going to do my best.

I'm sorry Clara, I hope I'm not making the wrong decision. I'm going to miss you each day, all day. I'll be crying when I leave you in the morning and when I finally get you back in my arms. You'll be on my mind every second of every day. I wish I had until the next school year and you could be a little older at least. I want to be the best mommy to you and I hope this is the right choice.

I'm thankful I have a job that makes me feel like I'm making a difference while I'm away from my cutie pie. I just wish the job didn't require so much extra time outside of the school day and I wish it was a little less stressful. It's not just teaching anymore, it's become ridiculous, but that is an entire different saga. I'm so thankful that I have had three months with you, they've been the best three months of my life. I'm thankful for Tiffany, Elisabeth and the many mommies that offered to help, find help, and/or are helping me raise my baby while I'm away. I'm thankful I have a husband who hugs me when I feel the way I do and reminds me it will be okay. I'm thankful for all my friends and family who have been reaching out to me in support during this time knowing I'm struggling. I'm thankful to be in this position, to have a precious healthy baby that brings me and now many new people such joy each day. I'll take it one day at a time, never taking a moment for granted.

I love you Clara!!!! I look forward to the rest of my life with you. I hope I always remember what this feels like and never take a moment with you for granted.

My first day at home with you...oh what I'd give to do it all over and put it on repeat so I never have to leave your side.

3 months - Happy Birthday Clara Belle

Dear Clara,
You are the cutest little girl your daddy and I could have ever imagined. Our first three months with you have been the best time of our life. You make every single day happy and interesting. You entertain us non-stop. You are a very good little girl. When I'm holding you I constantly say, "Daddy look!" and vise versa. You smile at us all day long and we have long funny "conversations". Daddy likes when I send pictures of you all day long so he can see what you are up to. He tells me how he looks through his pictures at work when he misses you. We talk about you and your future and all our hopes and dreams for your life. All we want is for you to be a happy, healthy girl. Daddy loves to pat your butt and I can't keep my lips off of you. You make our life complete and are thankful every day that you are our daughter. We love watching you grow and change, no one could love you more. Mommy has to go back to work next week, I've been dreading this day since I became pregnant, knowing it would be one of the hardest days of my life. I hope you always know you are in my heart and on my mind all day. I'll be counting every second until I see you and I'll miss you terrible. You are our perfect little angel. Happy three month birthday beautiful girl!
All our Love,
Mommy & Daddy

 

 Andre was helping me with the pictures for this post and asked which one I wanted, haha...one.

 

Jumbo bear for scale.

I'm so tall!

 

 

 Haha.

 

Week 12

Clara has made some neat strides this week. She is grabbing and holding her toys. She stands for long periods of time. She is doing BELLY TIME! She holds her head up and is pushing up on her hands some. Finally! She stopped crying when she finally got the hang of it, she only lasts a few minutes but knowing being on her belly isn't terrible will allow her build her back muscles to last longer.

She is no longer crying when she wants something. She is now yelling at mommy, and if I don't respond fast enough it may turn into a cry. She is loving her play gym even more now that she can grab and hold her toys. She likes her chair too but the gym keeps her occupied for long periods of time many times throughout the day. She loves holding conversations. She talks with great expression and loves to take turns talking with me.

Daddy has made her laugh again. She was laying on my lap on the floor and he was letting her pjs fall and would catch them right before they landed on her face, she must love being startled because that's what it did and she would crack up.

We are packing up many of her pants and jammies that are now too short. Her 6 months pants and jammies fit perfect. It's sad to start packing three months before she is even that old. She is growing too fast. When she was born she skipped the newborn look and now she is flying through her months, not cool Clara Belle! Mommy wants you to slow down!

The best part is she is a happy baby! It's so easy to make her smile and coo. She is bubbly and lively, full of spunk. She will let us know when she needs/wants something that is for sure but we can now distract her easily with something since she is so attentive. The only time she gets too cranky is when she is over tired. Those that see her mention how attentive she is. I took her into school so everyone could meet her, especially my class, it was so much fun. No one can believe her hair as always. I think they thought I don't comb it but it just has a mind of its own! It was so nice to see my class, I know my connection with them will help the transition back. Many of my girls were in tears, knowing they miss me so much will make it easier...I hope.

Clara is now napping in her crib. I'm leaving her unswaddled since I'm not sure if it will be possible to be swaddled while she is at her sitters. I've also started to put her down for naps on her own so she is adjusted to falling asleep on her own. She is way better at it than I thought. (Knock on wood.) As long as I catch her sleepiness before it's too late she will lay on her own, holler out a few times, and in about 20 minutes be asleep. I hate not snuggling her until she falls asleep but I doubt that's what her babysitters will have time to do. Tiffany has two toddlers and one in her belly and Elisabeth has a little girl too so Clara will not have the undivided attention she has with me. That makes me so sad, I know it's good for her to be around other kids and not have instant attention but I wish it could start a little later in her life, not three months. Mommy didn't expect to be this attached, I'm "one of those moms" that I didn't think I would be. I am obsessed with her, so overly attached, love her in my arms all day long...I now understand other mommies who behave that way. I thought getting back to work would just be the next step, NOPE! I'll be counting down the days until spring break, then summer.

This picture cracks me up. This is after I dried her hair with the blow drier. Her face is even better.

This is one of my favorite outfits, from Sandy Mountain. It has an adorable sweater and hair bow that is just a little too big for now but her hair will hold it soon! The pants that came with it have two ruffles on her butt however Clara has become a pro at pooping out her diaper onto everything. Since she sprouted last her little chiky legs, as her dad and I call them, got even skinnier and her number 2 oozes out the sides and we have to overlap her tabs on her belly now. She is still too big for newborn and too skinny minny for size 1.

Bed head. Which is about the same as regular hair. It's getting so long I'm not quite sure what to do with it. I wet it down to tame it but it pops right back up.


Nap time in her crib. She sleeps longer when swaddled.

Belly Time! Yay! I couldn't catch her head at its peak but you may see her smile, crazy!

 

 

 Woke Shalimar from her snooze, both my girls were sleepy.

She is huge.

Fell asleep on her own, unswaddled. She loves to grab Jumbo Bears feet as she falls asleep. He is so soft! Thanks Aunt Brandi!

NY Trip

Clara is now a national traveler. I was so excited and nervous when Andre got me my "push" gift, a trip to NY. Knowing we'd have a 2.5 month old and going to cold temps on a plane full of germs made me nervous. Since we've had her Andre has pushed me to go and do and it's really helped. He is such a great daddy he isn't scared of anything. I really thought roles would be reversed since he is the germ freak and I'm normally the laid back one. In the hospital he was the calm one when she would choke on amniotic fluid, he'd get the sucker and fix it and I was beside myself at the thought of her choking, he reminded me babies can hold their breath for a long time and that she was good at taking care of herself calmed me greatly. So when he told me NY would be fine, I trusted him. He was right, it was more than fine, it was GREAT!

I wasn't just apprehensive about her getting sick or screaming on the plane, it was hard to pack and prepare everything. I'm used to being around the house, we haven't done any overnights anywhere yet. She is breast and bottle feeding, supplementing with formula as needed and that requires a pump, lots of bottles, yada yada, a lot to pack. I was pretty proud of myself for making it all work as smooth as it did and even MORE proud of our perfect little angel. She was a great traveler. I've found the more we go and do the more I realize she handles most every situation quite well. She didn't say peep on the way there. There was only maybe a total of 5 minutes of crying in the car the entire trip and there was A LOT of car rides. She ate on the way up to the friendly skies both times and on the way down to help her ears. She loved Kristopher's basketball game with all sorts of new noises. I think she may have realized that everything was louder than her so there was no point in crying about anything. We took bottles everywhere we went and found ways to warm them up when needed. She hung out in her sling, hands or in her car seat. The only time she got fussy was when we around someone's house, usually because she was tired. I know at one point she got a little belly bug since her poopy changed some and she was kicking her little leggies at one point in pain. She handled it all very well and she was delighted to meet all her family and friends up north.

We stayed with Brandi and Nick and they couldn't have made it more easy for us. They had a car seat, jumper seat for the house, and even a CRIB! They finished their basement and it's beautiful, it's also perfect for a baby. It's quiet and warm. The heat comes through the floor too so even when she laid on the plush carpet she was a happy camper. It was quiet and dark when she needed to sleep and also if she got fussy those upstairs could sleep through her, which I must say wasn't often at all. We can't thank them enough for making our trip so easy, they saved us bringing our car seat, base, and the pack n' play. That's a lot!

My family is the best, and they all trade hosting dinners and lunches so we can optimize our time together. Ana and Theresa were sweet enough to wait until after the holiday to go home so we could all be home at the same time. Everyone was anxious to see/meet Clara, I couldn't wait!!! My family is so thoughtful, they all spoiled her with presents. Aunt Linny got her an advent stocking. The Zims always had an advent calendar at their house, as kids we loved to see the count down to Christmas, it is still just as exciting to me as an adult so her gift is a gift for mommy too. Clara will be able to take the ornaments one by one and hang them on the tree. Mommy will gladly do it next year, however I'm sure by the following she'll get the concept! Jonny and Bets got her two cute outfits she will look adorable in along with a first Christmas ornament. Brandi and Nick got her an amazing winter jacket, teething toy and a Christmas teddy. Brandi knows how obsessed with teddy bears I was as a child and is anticipating Clara's obsession as well. Ana and Theresa got her a cute onesie from Vegas on their recent trip that says "I drink until I pass out!" So cute! She is so spoiled. Thank you everyone, for everything, it means the world to us.

So Brandi and Nick made it easy on us (and everyone that drove over) Thursday by having dinner at their house. Zim came to get us from the airport and we swung through Ellicottville to see Sarah's new EVL Cheese Shop. It's spectacular. We went straight to Brandi and Nick's house from there. Clara slept most of the way up and almost the entire car ride. I had to feed her in her car seat so her taking a bottle was handy then, I pumped in the car so we didn't need to worry about warming anything up. Thanks to Tiffy for my breast pump that has a battery option. Rick, Barb, Zim, Linny, Jonny and Grammy came over. Clara finally met Clara. I started to take a few pictures but realized Ana and Theresa were taking pics with their amazing camera again so there was no point in mine, I'd want theirs. So I'm waiting until they send me the pics to add them because they will turn out so much better than mine. We had pizza and wings, SO delicious, I miss NY food. They also had a delectable cheese cake for Andre's birthday, too nice! Clara held Clara, as did everyone else. She was delighted to meet her family! Some of my favorite moments of my life by far!

Friday morning we took our time getting around which is nice since everything with the babe takes so much longer. We went to the Bradleys to visit Jane and Becca. Clara slept while Henry, their cat, babysat. ;) He just sat and stared at her. Then we went to Jonny's for happy hour and off to Kristopher's basketball game we went. Again, Clara was perfect in the car and at the game. While at Jonny's, Kylie held her in the sling and she went fast asleep. She loved the basketball game, mainly because she got to be with Aunt Kristin. We noticed at the game she started to grab intentionally. Kristin was wearing a black and white spotted scarf that Clara loved with the contrast of course. She grabbed and grabbed. Before we left NY she continuously grabbed and hit Nick's nose, it seemed intentional, sorry Uncle Nick, her nails probably scraped. I'm terrified to trim, don't want to cut too low. Now she is grasping materials on a regular. She is yanking on her bib and pulling the pacifier string hanging from her bib which backfires on her because she pulls her paci right out. Her hands are opening and closing all the time, trying to hang on to anything she can reach. After Kristopher's game we went to Linny and Zims for dinner. I love every one's home cooking so much, other than my family, that's what I miss the most!! If I smelled/ate their meals anywhere I'd feel at home.

Saturday was Kristin's "29th" birthday! ;) What more do you want for your bday but to host lunch. NOT. Well, she is that sweet. So we all went to her house to pass Clara around some more. Even the Burt ladies & Dan joined us. It was so nice to see them all and for them to be able to meet Clara. Let's just say that when those ladies are in a room it couldn't be more full of contagious laughter. I'm so sad to say the reason they were all home is their Grandpa Burt passed, not even two months prior Grandpa Welch died. That poor family has had a tough holiday season. It was bitter sweet to have them there, I just wish it could have been for a better occasion. I could tell Clara put a smile on each of their faces for a few hours, way to help a few aching hearts Clara Belle! Gramp came over for lunch too. Too bad Clara slept almost the entire time. I think he saw the whites of her eyes for the five minutes she was awake. She went down hard and slept for I believe 4 hours, growth spurt I believe. I finally woke her because my darling Merrissa brought her darling Adrianna to visit and meet her "cousin"/new best friend. Adrianna is adorable. She was bright and alert for most of the visit, staring around at all of us, especially Uncle Andre. Kylie eventually put her fast asleep so we laid her next to Clara for a photo shoot since Clara refused to wake. We didn't let Adrianna fall asleep hard enough before clicking the camera so we woke her up. She was so tolerant, Clara was "flinching" at every flash and whacking poor Adrianna in the head. Needless to say we got a few great shots. I woke Clara to eat and she was "sleep eating". Susie said not  to worry, she does it all the time. ;) Clara woke up enough to say hi for about the last 20 minutes before Merrissa and AJ hit the road. We're so thankful they made the trip, it was so nice to see them and meet that precious little girl. She is such an easy baby, just sat and starred around at us crazies. Thank you Kris for hosting on your day. We had a great time. Barb, thanks for the delicious sloppies! Yummmm!

Andre, Nick, Brandi and I went to Gramps new place in Wellsville after Kristin's house. It's a nice place, and he seems very content there. I'm so happy he is in Wellsville because Kristin and Kylie are close enough to stop in easily and do an amazing job keeping him company. It was so warm and cozy in his room we all started to get sleepy. I left Clara with Aunt Kristin to get some much needed QT in. We went back to grab her and back to Cuba we went. We popped into Aunt Barb's to say hi to Karen who wanted to meet Clara. We could barely keep our eyes open enough to make it back to Allegany that night. I felt bad, I wanted to hang more with Linny and Zim and I would have liked to see Grammy one more time but I have been on an average of 4 hrs of sleep a night and was too pooped. Andre got sick too, he had a fever Friday night, chills, sore throat...the works. I kicked him to the couch to avoid getting Clara sick, so I've been on my own with my little darling who hasn't been sleeping the best. I don't know how we didn't get it. Maybe my flu shot worked! For us both!! I got it while pregnant since she can't get one until 6mo.. The same days daddy was sick she had a little belly funk, we're still hoping that's all she gets! Andre had to help hold her on the plane a time or two but other than that he hasn't been near her in since NY. She and I slept like champs Sunday night. She had a growth spurt recently and her legs are too long for her three month clothes so when we got home I had to bust out our 6 month outfits, pants and jammies mainly. She squirms down in her swing chair these days and kicks her feet so much she has been hitting her heals on the vibrating button. So I have been having her sleep in bed with me. I think it's a good transition as she is going to go to her crib soon and this should help her get adjusted to sleeping on her back instead of an incline. I have a thin pillow under her head, it's not fluffy at all. I lay starring at her as I fall asleep and think about our future of snuggling together. I can't wait to hold her close while we snooze. I loved when my mom snuggled in bed with me. Okay, way off topic.

Well, Andre needed some rest so he and Clara went fast asleep as soon as we got to Brandi and Nick's house on Saturday night and we had to leave at 6am so that means up at 5. I did laundry and packed until about 11 and was out myself. Clara didn't sleep good at all that night and daddy was still quite sick so our trip home was long, I don't think we will travel without a direct flight ever! My alarm went off at 4:30. POOR BRANDI AND NICK took us butt crack early to the airport. Mind you this isn't a warm 30 minute drive to Tampa, this is a frigid, snowy, dark, and cold 5am 1.5 hour trip to dreary Buffalo. They think they were putting us out to come get them from Tampa at 11pm on a Friday, we taught them what "putting out" really is. So sorry. Thank you both for making it seem like no big deal, that must have been the last thing you wanted to do on Sunday before going back to work. Eeek, can I blame Andre? He booked it! ;) I must say, it's so nice to hop on a plane and be home in a few hours. We were snuggled on our couch by 1pm, it was nice for Andre to rest before work.

I cannot thank my family enough. They spoil us, and spoil doesn't even cover it, there isn't a word big enough to describe how well we are taken care of. Everyone comes out to play while we are home and we appreciate it so very much. Hosting, cooking, cleaning up after our mess. They have always done that for us, I'm sure it's a little bit easier now that we're a tad more tame with a baby but we're still just as thankful. I feel so spoiled. My family comes down to visit all the time, when we go home they put on such an amazing time. Brandi takes off work, they drive to get us from the airport and cart us around for three days going and doing for us. I have the best family, Clara is one lucky duck to be born into the Feger/Lang family. Thank you all, we love you dearly.

 

Great Grandma Clara meeting Clara - only 101ish years to go Clara for you to be as old as your Great Grammy, no pressure!  

Aunt Linny has been so anxious to meet you Clara. She was so happy to get her hands on you finally!

Together again. Miss my girls tons!




Kisses


  Aunt Brandi and Uncle Nick only have a few more months before their baby girl arrives!!! Yay!

It took everything Theresa had to share! ;) Mama T was missing Clara mucho! She finally got a turn!

Aunt (cousin) Kylie was so excited to meet Clara finally. She didn't know Ana was there either so it was an amazing extra surprise!  Thankfully Kylie had time off from school and was able to spend the weekend with us at Brandi and Nick's! Thanks so much for all your help Kylie!



Clara loved being with Kylie, you can tell she has the touch! We can't wait for you to move here and be her nanny!

Mmm, NY pizza and wings, with blue cheese! My fav!

Happy early Birthday Andre. It was the best cheese cake we have ever tasted. We ate it for breakfast lunch and dinner the next few days! Thank you Brandi and Nick, that was too nice! Andre loves him a good cheese cake!


Aunt Barb always giving a helping hand. She was very nice and let everyone else snuggle Clara since they had met already. ;)
  Ana helping Grammy out into the cold safe!

Uncle Jonny making Clara giggle. He is a funny guy!

 

 Beautiful Aunt Ana & her twin!

I love that Ana and Theresa sent me the pictures they took because it was Theresa's first time to Cuba so Ana showed her around and they got some neat pictures I'm so happy to be able to add to the blog.

This is the house my dad & Linny grew up in along with us kids. My grandpa Lang built it in 1950. You can see Susie's house (a little) on the right.

This is the "block barn" down the road.

At the little league park where we used to play. I believe my mom donated money in her will to have an electric score board put in. As kids we used to sit under the board on a bench and change the score by hand. Ahh, the good ol days. You can see her name on it below.

Miss you mom. Terrible. I thought It would be easier now that I'm a mom. Boy was I wrong! It makes me miss you even more. What I'd give to have Clara in your arms, just to meet you, even for a split second. I know you're watching her, and us, always. One day we'll be together again.

more pictures soon. still plenty to come.