It's few and far between that I get caught up in the day-to-day nonsense anymore. I've got great focus on what matters and am SO thankful for each moment I have with my family and make sure quality time with my babies happen. I put housework aside, school work aside, social life aside to enjoy every moment with my sweeties. Until they're in bed of course, and then the next three to four hours is devoted to attempt to accomplish any task outside of being a mom. Don't get me wrong, I have my moments where I feel I fail at it all, going back to work has brought those weak moments on more frequent. I have my mother's voice in my mind when I get caught up in unimportant things. When she was in her last stretch at home, living in the hospital bed in the living room, she took my hand and looked into my eyes and said, "I wish I would have played more." We didn't go to the park, rarely went on vacations, we didn't have family game nights or mommy daughter dates. We cleaned Saturday mornings while listening to Casey Kasem and played with our cousins on Friday nights when the parents had fun themselves. She was the school guidance counselor and worked all summer to perfect the schedule although unpaid. She did the books for my dad's cookie business, cooked a new meal nightly, had a clean home, coached softball, kept us involved in sports and activities, took us to all appointments, she DID do arts and crafts, let us have sleepovers, took us on vacation to Myrtle Beach MD even when my dad couldn't go, made time to help me with my homework, "motivated" me to never quit anything I started, made me practice my clarinet and piano...the list goes on. She was a busy woman, she had no choice, I wouldn't have changed it for anything in the world. Would I have enjoyed more time with her? Of course, but I only have fond memories of my childhood. Would life have been better with more quality time with her, yes. I try hard to make sure I play hard with my kids, all the time, so I have no regrets. I don't want to feel that emptiness I saw in her eyes on my deathbed.
So, with all of that said, no matter how hard we all try, we will all (most of us) feel like failures as moms, no matter what we do with our time. I'm constantly struggling to make sure I give both kids enough attention, trying to make sure with Everett's special needs that Clara still feels special. I never feel like I do enough and I'm constantly scraping the surface of everything I need to get done between the house, the kids, therapy, work, my marriage, etc. Since I've been at work I've not been on facebook as much since I don't have the time, I typically get on when I'm feeding Everett at night or early morning after I feed him and rock him to sleep. I love seeing all the other families of kids with Down syndrome. We watch each other's kids grow, ask questions, vent, support, and although there's lots of positive posts, I come across "these posts" regularly, which keep me in check when my mother's voice fades into the distance with the business of life.
My point is, no mom is perfect, it's an impossible task. No matter how long you or your kids live, it'll never be long enough, we'll always want more time. When the small things in life start to take attention away from what's truly important, we need to stay grounded and soak up the small stuff.
It's these posts...
that send chills down my spine,
that propel instant tears down my face,
that cause me to quietly cry as I hold Everett and feel my body shake from utter sadness,
that bring back memories my brain purposefully avoids,
that make me want to hug both my babies so tight and freeze time to ensure they stop growing,
that make all the dumb things in my life melt away,
that make me want to sleep with Clara every night since she asks me,
that make me feel less guilty for rocking Everett instead of having him self-soothe,
that make me feel guilty for every time I let Everett self-soothe,
that make me want to be a stay at home mom so I never miss a moment,
that make me happy that I give my kids so much of my attention,
that make me want to give my kids more of my attention,
that make me want to be a better mom,
that make me love my phone and facebook for allowing me to stay real,
that make me put down my phone, stare at my perfect baby and soak in every inch of his sweet body,
that make me question a higher power,
that make my heart break, not just for this mom, but for every mom who has lost a baby...
I just don't know what I'd ever do.
