Our wonderful Nurse Ashley sent this to me. A "timehop" is when facebook reminds you what you posted one, two, three, etc, years ago and you can share it again. She sent this to me, via text message. She was there the day I got to hold Everett for the first time after two weeks. I held him for maybe an hour total after he was born, before he was taken, so I was thankful for that...but two weeks was WAY too long.
I'll never forget how little he felt, but big at the same time. I'm weird, I'm not the kind of mom who has an instant connection with my babies, I need to meet them, hold them, snuggle, kiss and talk to them and the longer time goes on the stronger that bond becomes. I remember when Clara was born, I was thinking, "Um, did someone switch my baby?" She didn't look anything like me. Some moms have this innate connection, I don't. I also put a wall up to a degree, in fear of losing Everett. After staring at your baby connection to wires, a breathing machine, with tubes and needles everywhere, being pumped full of medication that cannot be good for a brand new being, being sedated for days, I struggled to connect with him. I worried so much about what he lost from no human contact. Yes, we touched his tiny toes and hands but being held against a mama is so vital, especially when life is so scary and painful. He felt my hands hold him down so many times when he was being tortured, he heard my voice again and again, associated with the greatest pain I hope he ever has to endure. Nurses offered to step in but I wanted it to be me, I wanted him to know I'm there, even if it was my voice and hands connected to such misery. His blood red face screaming at the top of his lungs but not being heard with the tube down his throat 'episodes' will haunt me for the rest of my life. Not being able to pick him up and make it all better was the worst torture of my lifetime. Day in and day out of this torment, I didn't know if he believed I, his mother, the one who is supposed to love and protect him, even existed. It's so unnatural to have a baby and not feed him, hold him, soothe him when he cries. Had someone told me day 1 I would have to wait two weeks to hold my baby, I'd have crumbled, it was the unknown that saved me, I think. Sometimes I think knowing would have helped, I could have at least had an official countdown, a light at the end of the tunnel. I was afraid to get close, afraid he'd die, but on this day...week two, I felt some relief. Holding my baby never felt so good.I begged the doctors for so long and finally my wish came true. I watched babies come in the NICU and leave with their mommies, so happy, no torture, just time, just days. It was so unfair. Then I thought about how many mommies never get to leave, the mommies that don't take their babies home and I realized, we were the lucky ones.
I love you sweet boy, thank you for being such a fighter, for being patient, and for building a bond with me that no one can break, even if our physical connection started so late. I hope you know I was always there, and I'll always be there, protecting you the best I know how.
Thanks Ashley for fighting right alongside me, I'll never forget the day I held him for the "first" time.
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